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Funny and True: An Inevitable Spurs-Pistons NBA Finals

FTT’s crack team of crack smokers has cranked up the list for all of us who are holding out hope for an NBA playoff final that keeps us from working on the drywall. You know, for the comparative visual excitement.

10. It is inevitable. Might as well, as Bobby Knight says, lie back and enjoy it.

9. By Game Four, after every other possible story of remote human interest is covered, we’ll learn what Nazr Muhammad is up to.

8. There’s always the chance that Bruce Bowen and Robert Horry will embrace their new status as the Worst Basketball Bad Guys Since Hitler, and show up for press conferences in wrestling tights with bad French accents they learned from Tony Parker. Come on, Bruce and Bob. Do it for the kids.

7. The finals could, especially in the wake of the Stoudamire-Diaw-Horry suspension fiasco, put the rare species NBA Apologistia on the endangered list. Since we are frequently in that species, we will then be able to get a big fat check from the government to get free access to NBA League Pass, and maybe some full-time conservation staff to protect us from our natural predator (drywall).And if you doubt it will happen, consider this chilling fact – Democrats control Congress. With the extra money they are going to pay me, I’m going to buy flags to burn at gay weddings. It’s always so festive.

6. Spurs-Pistons could get Mike Brown fired.Unfair for a team that has made the third round? No. If the Cavs stagger past the Nets, they will just continue the least convincing playoff “run” in NBA history. Beating the Washington Wiz without Agent Zero is only marginally more difficult than beating the Washington Generals. The Nets’ best big man is, seriously, Mikki Moore. The judges are not giving them much for the degree of difficulty here.A Pistons-Cavs series could be nearly as unwatchable as Cavs-Nets, leading to an intervention moment for LeBron James and his cohorts. For anyone that misses Young LeBron, the one that passed the ball and gave a crap, this is six months too late, but better late than never.

5. Spurs-Jazz could make Carlos Boozer lovable.Well, no, of course not, but the Spurs have that whole Hitler thing going for them. So does that make the man who destroyed Cleveland more Stalin or Mussolini?(Camera switch, zoom close up, arched eyebrow) Only time will tell.

4. More national media coverage to piss off Detroit.You might remember that in previous years where the Pistons have made the Finals, ABC windbag Jimmy Kimmel was able to get people to write about his show by pointing out that the city might burn to the ground in the event of a Pistons win. Kimmel remains employed, so clearly the gambit worked for him.We’re ready for the onslaught of ratings-starved talk show hosts – ok, not Oprah, but maybe The View, especially if they’re hurting for bombast in a post O-Donnell era – to weigh in with their views on whether Sheed or Duncan is better at making an incredulous face following a foul call, or what game Bowen removes Prince’s gall bladder by accident. Note to media types: Someone, really, needs to play the other side and Mess With Texas. Yes, we have all heard the warnings, but there is free press to be had. Richard Oliver is just itching to take this bait.Plus, they’re all worse than Hitler. Don’t forget that.

3. Tony Parker, in a rap battle on Eight Mile, against Detroit’s finest. This alone could revitalize Eminem’s career, but only if he leaves the D12 guys in the limo.

2. Jerome Bettis needs the TV time. Did you know he is from Detroit?

1. The Pistons in the Finals keeps attention away from the Lions and Matt Millen, who only needs five more years to complete his impossible dream of a team that is entirely composed of wide receivers. From a purely mad scientist perspective, Millen’s research MUST CONTINUE. Stopping it now would BE DISASTROUS!

Originally from http://fivetooltool.blogspot.com/2007/05/wallow-in-this-top-10-spurs-pistons.html

Peace Out Van Gundy

Finally, the Houston Rockets fired good ol' Van Gundy, who has been known as quite a choke artist, especially in the playoffs. I do feel kind of bad for the guy, but I think he'll be all right... Sorry buddy.

Landis and Cycling

There has been a lot of controversy lately surrounding the sport of cycling and Floyd Landis since he tested positive of performance enhancing drugs after the Tour De France. I have one thing to say about this.... WHO CARES! Why do we as Americans care about this? I know why. The answer is that if there is a shred of controversy in anything we'll pay attention. I mean, come one... it's Cycling. I guess it just amazes me that networks such as ESPN would rather focus on this story than spending anytime on a real sport that doesn't get much attention around here like Soccer; the most exciting sport in the world, not to mention the world's most popular one. Cycling... God.

He should get a raise

This usher should get some hazard pay for some extra duties at this Phillies game... What is really funny about this picture for me (other than that it is a streaker), is that it look exactly like my friend Andrew...

Metaphor for the Mavs Entire Season

Falling a little bit short.

So Ridiculous I had to Post...

Taken from http://www.deadspin.com/?refId=261181... "Great moments in empty, ugly gestures: What to do while bored at RFK"

Last night, at RFK Stadium in DC, the Washington Nationals hosted the Atlanta Braves in a game that counted an official total of 21,258 fans. (To which we say: Yeah, right.) With the upper deck almost entirely empty -- we know how this goes -- one dastardly fan decided to try to construct a word out of empty seats.

At first, our spy at the game tells us, it appeared he was trying to make a big "VT," an inspiring gesture on a grand scale. But that's not the word he was going for: He was going for the world famous "c-word."

He made it, but ushers shut him down quickly thereafter. Pity.